Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in jorstparoc4's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
6:41 pm	Another thought think of her. . . . I try, I try so hard to let her go. But I just can't make it so. I can't walk away. Not when I have opened up to her this far. I am so far conviced that she feels the same way I do. I know she does, shes just afraid of change. Its ok though, I respect her so much as to make her own choice. For that in the end is all what life is. A choice, it reflects us and binds us in and out. It makes us whole. Though the in and out. Fate has brought us together, destiny will carry us through the crossroads of fate that have pulled our feelings for one another thus far. My friends tell me to be free of her, but I can't let her go. Theres so much that I see in her, so much that she has giving inside of me. A feeling I can't let go. I feel it so warm and strong. Growing with each passing moment within inside my own being. A feeling that makes the word "love" sound only simple compared to how I feel for her. If love is just a word, then that word has a meaning that she could not understand. Its a meaning that I want to show her; to let her know that night and day I sit awake wondering when I shall see her again. When can I hold her hand and tell her how I feel. To show her I am "not" like other guys whom just want her for her body. To complement her everyday, to be at her side not obsessive like, but as more like a companion. To share moments together. Like a rain drop falling from heavens door. Its moments with her at the mall looking around and just for a moment, she would tickle me, and I would laugh. She makes me feel alive inside. And it makes me just feel so right to be with her. Is it selfish to want to be in love? Or is it selfish that it is her. And no one else. . . Its hard to let her go. So I can't, only she can release me. I will be sad, and the feelings for her may never die. She has changed me into the person from within. And I am thankful for that. =) Because thats what she means to me. . . Shes my reason to live. and its worth walking a thousand miles just to see her smile one last time. Current Mood: crazy (Comment on this)
Monday, December 6th, 2004
3:38 pm	Just a tid bit . . . Well this wont be long at all cuz i dont have much time. This weekend was one of the best times of my life and no-one has any clue why. Me, Amy(!), rj-beatmania master/god to dave, duh then theres dave, matt, hes cool. We all hung out at MCC, then UoR, then at matts. It was somthing else, but I have gotta split back to the mall cuz I guess I am to expect Amy! there. I hope this will be another fun day. I'll be sure to give a bigger update later. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Green Day (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 2nd, 2004
1:19 am	Another day in my life.. . Well today went well, (not!) cuz first i woke up around 4am stayed awake kinda wondering around, and then i went back to sleep around 8amish? lol, I cant even remember! Wow. Then to top things off I start to wake on and off throughout the day. Yeah i should have got up early, but I have just felt like grabage lately. With all the fighting with my friend, and the stress on my mind right now, I just cant get a grip on myself. First I started talking crazy like, afterward I came back to reality and thats when the depression came to me. I just cried and cried, in the corner of the darkness of my room. I stood there alone with no one to baby me like when I was young. I couldn't believe the feelings that an stripped me and made me feel weak. I cant stand the feeling. That night the only thing that kept me company was my memories. And not happy ones. But I shall continue to go on. No matter what has happened, I shall move on. There is nothing that will stop me from living my dream. Anywho, I missed Amy at the mall (dam it) She would have gotten my mind off this crap. Its to bad :( Maybe we will hang out someother time :) No matter how close I get the edge, I always get burned. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
8:37 pm	through the looking glass. . . I got home around 5ish today after being at the mall for awhile. Tired and wanting to colapse on my bed i knew that if i fell asleep I would be up all night later on. I just wanted to sleep, to forget what has come to my attention. But then problem strikes me when Nadine calls to say welcome back from Aruba! wow wowowooo shes back, lets have a party right!?! The we get into a fight for a grand reason but I shall not embrass her. Other than that, I talked to my friend Julian about whats happened over the week. He thinks I should let them go, and move on. But I really dont want to, cuz then the feeling its like its not real, like it never happened. And it did. It did for me. Tomorow I may go to the aracde later on, but I don't think its a good idea. To many memories, and no one to go with. I keep falling on the ground, and of all the ppl who pass me by, you sit there and watch. And I cant help but stair into your eyes. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
10:07 am	Just another day . . Some would say I live the night life, or that i am like a vampire. Unless I have to work I sleep most of my days away. Time seems pointless really. I barely glance at a clock. If I have the time I head to the mall to play some more of that lovely DDR, but at times that is not enough to satisify just who I am. I crave having fun and good times a thing that while in high school I was denied. Thats why I play stupid little video games, and read books to no end, and dream of the day of holding hands with some one that I love and want to one day marry. Cause an 18 year old who wants to commit is such a bad thing, is it not? God, i would trade everything in the world that I own or would ever want just to be with that person. The person who makes me smile everytime I see her. The person, who makes me feel alive inside, who gives me that reason that i need to live. So we can share moments together, and charish the times we spent alone, and around others. To feel almost inviciable. To share each-others pain, to be there when no one else is there. I guess the thing you want the most you can never have. Is it selfish of me to want to be in love? To have something that I have never come close to, only small likings for ppl. Is it my punishment for my past? I had a bad past, and I was a totally different person than now. Had you known me then, you probably wouldn't be talking right now. I did bad things, really bad things. I faught alot back then. I even lost my faith in god, it took me long hard leesons in high school to regain it. And when I did I felt impowered by something, something I still can't describe. But back to my question, is it selfish of me to want to be in love? To whom is the bigger mystery, the end of all ends. hahaha. you couldn't guess if you tried. All my friends are dating or my older friends are in huge relationships. Like Brandon is with Kit and they have been going out for 2yrs now. And they are in love, they show it, you can read it off there faces. I wish for something good to happen. Everytime I think I have hit something worth my while, I hit a wall. And I look to the sky (not to be confused with the ddr song!) LOL, and think why god, I have my faith. I believe in your will, and I just see no signs, no miricles. They say be the miricle, well if Bruce Almighty, told us is that even god cant change human will. Peoples will to make there own choices. The right to choose! So I cant just force someone to like me. I cant explain it, . . . I just feel so alone. Its a feeling that no friend, no family can cure. I have explained this to my closest of friends like dave, and they see it in my face they say; I am alone, and have not felt apart of anything. Why? Why? Sometimes I feel like I dont belong here anymore, not here, not now. I just am dam sick of it. The same reutien, the same job, not going anywhere. I just wanna get in a car and drive. Drive to where-ever my heart takes me. To travel vast distances, to see the sun rise from the east coast, and it set on the west coast. Driving is a relese for me. To just keep going, and my music keeps playing, never stopping no regrets. To look out my window of time, and see the beauty of the world around me. To understand it, and see more then what it is worth to people. That is art. To feel that everyday was as long as a life age in the times of men. To beat the odds, to settle scores. This is who I am, all i want is to feel what I have never felt. It is what I live for. Not for money, or control, or even sex (ya I am not typical, sorry). Just to be there one day to hold her hand and tell her shes the reason I live. Current Mood: touched (Comment on this)
5:42 am	Restless. . . Its 5:43am and I still haven't gotten any sleep yet, tossing and turning I just can't sleep. So I took some sleep aid and waited it out but still my haunting thoughts and little dream like states, so finally i said screw it! I would wait it out awake. I thought everything was fine with me but I guessed wrong. I guess my sadness is getting the best of me. This holiday thing is not helping either. So soo much to do, and so little time. And i couldn't help but think who I should really buy the gifts for? Whom are my real friends, it was a thought that I never thought until speaking with Amy last night. She does bring out the true side of me. Not the one trying to fit in. And she knows I like her for that. Dave is a great friend as well, good at ddr, and just the one person who understands what I am going trough right now. I talk to him the most about it. We sit there every night and we both came up to the same idea, "why do we continue to live?" I mean why bother right? To continue the same old reutien, and walk around to work and serve the public. To be of age and still get no respect from my elders. I believe in honoring my mother and father. But they still dont honor me. I show tolerance, and respect but I get none in return. I feel treated unfairly. I wish there was something I could do to make the one reason I live real. See we all have a perpose, science says its for survival of the fitest. To pass my genes on to another. I belive in something stronger. Perserving the mind, the soul. And I fear the thing I want the most, the thing I live for will never come. But I shall keep looking, for one day she will come to me. Current Mood: indescribable (Comment on this)
Monday, November 29th, 2004
10:23 pm	When you read this you'll know whom u are. . . Today I did the worng thing, I opened my mouth, took a chance and leaped farther away then i should have. For that I am sorry, cause everytime I get closer to you it hurts him in return. I did not mean to cause him pain, or to make him hate me. I just wanted you to know the truth. I told you I will not lie to you. For that is a bigger sin to me. I told you what I have been wanting to say for awhile now, but even then I couldn't finish it. I told you only what my mind could allow me. Even if you dont care, or dont believe me its ok, I have pacaince and I understand how you feel right now. Its just as I said, do you know what its like to have butterfly's in your stomach? Do you know how it feels to find something that has changed you forever. And that when you lay down at night to sleep, you think sweet sweet thoughts of that one girl, and the times you had around her. Her aww, and grace, the magic that she weaves around you. I am under your spell, and theres nothing I can do, lost and under the control of you. I have never felt this way before, like we were ment to meet, but only sooner. Who knows right? Maybe something may happen? The thing I really want to say is that I am sorry, sorry for coming into your life and changing the bliss that you and him share together. I can see it in his eyes, the pain I have started. I honestly never meant to. Please understand this. Remember one thing, the night we met, I was hooked on you, and you asked me later if we could be friends. And I said we were friends already, since the day we met! And I want nothing more than that, I am happy if you are happy. Friends we shall stay, if you still want to be friends? I await, to see you again. Remember hun, we can never change what has happened, but my feelings will never fade. And I am sorry for the hurt. Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 28th, 2004
10:23 pm	Just one of these nights . . . Well today, haha, some more work, in the morning. Although it sucked cause they sent me in the back room all morning to shrinkwrap the systems. The fumes from it made me sorta high. LOL, but anyway i went back home to take a short nap. And life here at home is the same as usual, fight with roomate on stuff, lol, then on the computer for awhile to talk. But no one is ever really on. Tomorow I have off so I plan to go to the mall to see whos there and then to play DDR. Maybe I get lucky and something good will come out of tomorows events? Who knows only time will tell I guess. Oh yeah another thing i have to get done is getting the last things ready for my music party. I have this once a year. I hope that more ppl then last year come. Whom knows I may get lucky? Anyway, I may update this again alittle later, who knows this night is far from over. Current Mood: curious (Comment on this)
12:01 am	Things to come . . . Well I finally got back from more fun at the mall. Busy busy work. First a random shuffle with the game stocking. The phones ring ring ring, then my manager who looks like he'll rip your head off says hey you come here! I walk over and hes like see those stratgy guides? Put them in order. Urrggg! The most tedius work in all hell. Hahaha. Also then tap tap, on my shoulder and theres Amy! :) What a suprise, for being bored and tired, she put a grand smile on my face! She just has away of doing that. I looked at my manager while talking, and organizing, and he looked pissed but I told my other friends to buzz off but let her stay. It didn't matter to me. Cuz she fun to talk to(!) Besides it has no harm to me just doing my job anyway, right? She later left, after a long talk about Saratoga Springs, and Lake George. Whenever she speaks of that I just remember the lake just before the sun goes down in the west. The mountains and the tree-line. Riding along side my grandmother on the Mini Ha Ha. Its a boat that I shall never forget! Its one of my many memories of my grandma before she passed away. (another sad moment)-I'll never forget. . . Anyway, that place is like a spirtual home. Like in another life i was born raised and died there. I hope that one day, when I am older with a wife, and kids, I shall go back there to live my days. For something is calling me back there. I can't say what, but I feel it, in my heart. And Amy has shown me that I have not lost my feelings for that place. Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 27th, 2004
4:10 am	delayed happy Thanxgiving! & my Black fri . . Well to whomever has the time to read this, Happy Thanksgiving! Cuz I know I had an awsome dinner.LOL thats all I look forward too. See my day was very very simple. 12:00am to 6:00am night/morning owl, sleep, then rudely wakened by my mom lol. Ran upstairs to get my my prize. Which most of it was gone anyway but thats cool never the less! Then I watched some tv, like bits of the parade, the macy's stuff! Afterward I went downstairs waiting for 3:00am cuz then I was to get ready to go out and wait the lines at KB toys in Greece Ridge Center. Who knew how much fun it was!? Trust me on that, we were in a line of about 100 ppl in front, and over the course of an hr, alittle more that 400 ppl were behind us! WOW. So we sat outside in the cold for an hr, till the mall security let us in. Then it began, a race to the store. What a rush! I thought. My mom wanted to pick up some fisher price toys that were dirt cheap! They would go to my lovly cousins. Which those two deserve cuz they are the cutest little things I have seen. And I love my cousins like they where my own brother and sister. Anyway . . That was at 5am, later we stayed at the mall and ate food, then at 7am my work aka (gamestop) opened. I quickly rushed in to get my Nintendo DS (Dual Screen). $150, worth every last penie. Lucky me lol. I then went home to catch more ZzzzZZzZzz, then got up around 5ish to get ready to go to work and close the store, urrggg! (shakes fist) what a pain! Not going there... But what to my suprise is whom was at the mall that night. When I walked in I didn't expect to see Amy and rj at the arcade. Inside I wanted to go say hi to them but I waited. Why well really because rj always gives an evil like glare whenever talking to Amy. To rj, hello dont have to worry about me, just an 18yr old punk who always fights the good fight, whos into romance over sex, and who finds beauty in ppl who others walk right by. Never the less I never will hide that I think Amy is an amazing person, cute in a great way. And she well around me has away of making me feel good about myself. Shes just about and beyond compared to other girls I have crossed paths with. So she deserves my words. Well its late and need to catch more zzzZZzZzz. Peace out! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 24th, 2004
10:10 pm	Just another Holiday . . . They say that christmas and Thanksgiving are the most important times of the year. But if that is true, then why do ppl like Chris and Tony at the mall not want to celebrate it? Or the real question is, were have our values gone? As I have gotten older I have seen many changes in our values toward the holiday. More ppl trying to give into others demands as they please others; back in the day it was about the giving. Now, its only about the getting things. This bothers me so, cuz it tells me that our society is made up of greedy ppl whom just want,want,want, but dont want to give back. This holiday has really taken on to me. It depresses me very much, not only for the reasons above. But for the reasons such as the fact that i work but do not have enough money to buy the things I want to buy for everyone. My friends, they mean something to me and the ones that mean the most I just want to give them the things to show my apprecation to them for the times they have been there for me. As I have been there for them. This holiday just means show much to me that I wish it hadn't become so perverted. :( (Comment on this)
Monday, November 22nd, 2004
11:56 pm	More Mall life. . . . Ok for all those whom just have to read this, I'll explain somethings first. For starters this is my first type of journal, and the only reason I plan to continue this is to get things off my chest. I live in a place called Ra cha cha, or near by the winter circle; anyway I work in the local mall. Which in my life it happens to be the center of our universe. After work I really have nowhere to go but there. See my friends for the most part are kinda like mall rats, they are always at the local aracde. Its kinda like a safe haven for us. We got sucked into this really cool dancing game called DDR or (Dance Dance Revolution), for you ppl. It is the coolest way to show off my freestyle talent. (Which I am still working on!) LOL Anyway today was not like normal days there, see I got outta work and then went to get a bite to eat when all of the sudden I see my ex-girlfriend! Yikes! Is all I could think. I stayed in my seat, and it would seem she would come to me. Note: I have ever reason to be mad at her, for she slept with my bestfriend, while we were dating. See that was three long years ago. But to this day, I just can't forgive her yet. Could you? Maybe, but I guess it was cause of the feelings I had for her that makes it hard for me to forgive her. We were close, but not close enough it seems. To this day, I don't have a clue as to what I did wrong? Later on she had left and I would go into the aracde to find the same old things. See everyday the same old ppl come into the place and do the same old things. I sound like a hippocrite, but really I just want something new in my life. Can't really explain it. Maybe someday, I'll find the word to. But meanwhile I wait till January, cuz thats when I start college at MCC. And then afterward I'll be just waiting for something to change my life. Humm. . . maybe I'll meet some new cool ppl in college. Who knows? See friends can make or break you. They are there to take you through the ups and downs in life, and for awhile it was good. Then i began to question who are my true friends. See there have been many times in my life when my friends have not come through or even want to listen to me. I use things like DDR to channel my feelings away from me else where. It was not till a couple of days ago when I met someone whom would change how I feel about real friendship. See I went to the aracde on saturday and stayed with dave until close. Before the arcade closed these two ppl came in to see chris and tony to give them a game or something? It was rj, and amy. Although i didn't know them socially I knew them by seeing them at the last DDR turney. These two are like DDR gods! They are awsome! They just play so well. I felt like I couldn't go up and play near them. It was then when I had gotten new found courage to play more freestyle to try and get better. So I went to dave to ask to play up there with me, (so i wasn't the only jackass LOL). But he said no, and then out of the blue she just said I'll do it! And I was like WoW! We played some really cool songs. But what got me was that she didn't know me but didn't mind playing beside me. I just felt like there was some hope in finding new ppl to call my friends. I sat beside her the whole night just talking and talking, you could say I have a common interest in her. But it looked like she would never know, lol. Perhaps thats for the best cuz shes kinda dating. And I dont want to make enemies with her boyfriend. Just goodfriends I hope we can be. She has a great personallity, and shes very cute. lol That and she likes to draw which is something I want to go into college for. But anyway I have gotta shut up and head out! Peace! Current Mood: restless (Comment on this)